So another year is gone. And the uncertainty is back. What do I do now? Where do I go?
I am far from being perfect. I fail daily in many aspects of life. I’m never the perfect parent, as a matter of fact, I am the bad guy in this parenthood business. I am the one who teaches, supervises, disciplines, punishes, rewards, drives, cooks, cheers, yells. Yes, sometimes there is a bit of yelling in my house. We are NOT a perfect family! My preteen talks back, stomps, disobeys. And my preschooler copies her big sister. I get upset, confused, frustrated, sad, but also happy, excited, proud, amazed.
There are many feelings inside me… Deep down, I used to envy those perfect families that I often see in my social circle. The moms are always so calm and patient, the dads help out and participate, the girls have nice French-braided hair or some sort of nice hairstyle. The boys are nicely groomed and well-behaved. Me? I feel like I can barely make it through the day. I have to leave a hairbrush in the car for emergencies, as I often realize they didn’t brush their hair just before an engagement. A ponytail is all I do before regular dance practice. Once I found out that one of my kids had no shoes on her feet right before we had to sign in for an activity!
Yes, I do struggle. Being a parent is a dream come true, and I truly feel blessed for having these two amazing daughters. But being a mom can also be exhausting and overwhelming.
I often find myself crying in my bedroom just because I feel so pressured and alone. I worry about the laundry, the housecleaning, the cooking, the house maintenance, the money, the bills! But certainly, my biggest worry is my children. There is so much involved in parenting, and there is twice more when you are single parenting. When I say single parent, I’m not necessarily talking about divorced parents. I am talking about the one parent who alone carries all the worries. Perhaps the second example is the most difficult to deal with: having a spouse who is not a partner, and who shows no appreciation for your contributions to the family.
Especially if you are stay-at-home mom like I am (or used to be), you might still feel inadequate just because you don’t financially contribute to the household. I felt this way for so long. And because of this feeling, I convinced myself that I had to do it all alone because that was the right thing to do since I made no money. The truth is I shouldn’t have to. I am NOT inadequate. Like most moms, I take care of the house, the finances AND the kids. This certainly IS work, rewarding for sure, but financially uncompensated work. Yes. Being an active parent is rewarding but also exhausting and parents are allowed to have flaws, just like everyone else.
We are not a perfect family, and I am not a perfect mom. I see so many areas in me that I could greatly improve. It’s a work in progress, like life itself, but I hope to be making progress.
There is this myth that stay-home-parent have an easy life, a life of never-ending vacation enjoyment. Let me tell you something: this IS only a myth. We work! That we do. We have no day off or sick day, we are on call 24/7. Many of us feel unappreciated and inadequate, as none of these things we do seem to be noticed. We often think we are not good enough: not good wives, or moms, or daughters, or friends. We have this constant need to surplus ourselves in every area of life. To be fair, I don’t even think this is a bad thing. I believe human beings should always try to improve. Surplus ourselves for our own good, to become a better person, to do better, is actually a great thing. But if we are doing this because of the hidden feeling of guilt, inadequacy, if we are questioning our own essence, then it is definitely not a good thing.
I do have a list of goals for this new year but my first step is to restore my sense of self-worthiness and my confidence. I’ve learned that no one should be allowed to take these away from you and make you believe you don’t deserve what you have. You can be giving and caring without giving yourself up. I’m worthy! You are worthy!
Let’s restore whatever was damaged through the hands of others. Let’s take over, take full control of our lives. Life is about chances, opportunities, nature, love and never-ending learning.