I have recently decided to rediscover myself. I want to reconnect with things I used to love and find new passions. Most of all, I want to live each day and enjoy it to its fullest.
But how can I embrace a new season, when the old season still takes over me. Paying the bills still is a concern. Raising two kids on my own still is a challenge. Keeping up and maintaining a household still is exhausting.
How can we prioritize ourselves without failing the ones we love or neglecting our ‘obligations’? Was thinking about self-growth and fulfillment ever a reason to feel guilty? How can we find a balance?
Rediscovering ourselves should be exciting and exuberating. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with committing ourselves to find time to actually do things that fulfill us.
I’ve always supported and encouraged my kids to be creative. Especially with my firstborn. I was a SAHM until she was 12 so it was a lot easier to manage our schedules and have her engaged in whatever she felt drawn to do. She danced, swam, did pottery and glass painting, acting, modeling, you name it. I am so happy that I could support her in experiencing so many different interests. Honestly, I wish I could have offered the same opportunities to my second daughter. But life happens. Situations change. And we must adjust. But even though she only has a fraction of the opportunities that her sister had, she amazes me with all the wonderful things she can come up with. I truly have two amazing, smart, talented, and creative daughters. (Sorry about the bragging…)
Anyways, as I started this new chapter of my life, the single-mom-chapter, I realized that for decades I simply didn’t do anything for myself. Not that anybody purposely kept from doing it, but because I was so deeply immersed in my marriage and then my kids, that I just put myself on hold. I don’t resent doing it at all. I love my kids and I enjoy every minute I spend with them, but I kinda miss the old ‘me’.
It was just after my divorce that I realized how bad it was. When someone asked me what I liked to do, I had to think really hard to answer such a simple question. So weird! Yea, I’m here. I’m still me. I still like the things I used to like. But over the years this huge emotional, physical, psychological detachment grew between me and them. For example, I used to love drawing and coloring. Yea…at some point in life I could actually do both. Maybe I still can… But now, I feel like my brain is limited to drawing ladybugs and bumblebees for my 7-year old. I still enjoy seeing others’ drawings though. So, I guess not everything is lost…Haha!
The question is: did I evolve or did I give up? How can I really know? Obviously, as we go through life, our priorities change. As we get busier and busier, it is natural that we push some things we enjoy to the end of the to-do list. And we end up doing this so often, that these reminders start fading away from the list, from our memories, until they are forgotten.
Time is very enigmatic. It’s really hard to fully understand how it works. But one thing I learned: there is never enough time to do everything you need, much less want to do. So, as hard as it is, we have to somehow make time for the things and the people we love.
Back when I lived in my home country, I used to wake up super early, ride two buses to work, then another to college. I wouldn’t get home until close to midnight. And the next day, I had to start it all over. But do you know what is funny? I still had time to go out with my friends, travel, visit family, go to events, visit museums, and so, so many other things. True, I had no kids at the time, but still, I was able to do so many enjoyable things despite my crazy schedule back then. So, is it really lack of time that keeps us from doing the things we want, or is it our mind constantly making priority changes? Why is changing our mindset to allocate time for ‘us’ seem so hard to do?
Personally, I am determined to find time for myself. Without neglecting my kids, my house, or any of my obligations, I want to find new things to enjoy and rediscover things that make life so special. I want to rescue the things that once brought me but that somehow along the way were left behind and eventually forgotten.
I’ve always loved art! Not that I understand much about it, but art has always had the power to enlighten me, touch my feelings… Any kind of art! It has the power to ‘communicate’ with me in such an intrinsic way. I guess you can say I’m sensitive…maybe? I remember when I was in college, between classes, students would just start an enactment or recite a poem out of the blue, no announcement, no rehearsal, just pure self-expression, pure art (I went to a Mass Communication College, so people were a little unorthodox there). It was exhilarating!
I never thought of myself as a creative person, but I’m learning that creativity has many ramifications. For instance, I found out that I can fix and even build things. I built a fire pit all by myself! It was fun. Well.. kinda. It was hard work and I got a lot of calluses and bruises but it gave me a lot of joy to see the result in the end. As a bonus, it made me feel empowered and independent. And I realized that taking care of my house, making it look the way I want, was actually something that I enjoyed doing. It is not an obligation, it is a fulfillment.
A couple of weeks ago, my friend and I took our kids to a pottery painting place. But this time, we decided that we, moms, wouldn’t just watch it. We would pottery paint too. Oh boy, did we have fun!? As dull as it may sound, until a couple of years ago, I wouldn’t think about joining in at all. That was an event for my kids and I was just happy to take them. I would wait and proudly admire and cherish whatever they made. But this time I was part of it. The funny thing though is that our kids finished waaaay before us. We were so into the details and perfectionism (to our own eyes lol) that we spent hours doing it. And it was great, fun, and fulfilling.
I’m yet to have a setlist of things I like and/or want to do, but I am working on it. I can tell you that I am enjoying the little things I do for myself here and there. I want to keep incorporating them into my daily life because they bring me joy. I want to bring some memories to life and do stuff I use to do. And then, I want to add more little things because they will help my continuous growth. I believe that energy is contagious. When we feel happy, we spread happiness.
But I’m not going to go all “woo-woo” here today. I just wanted to share my firepit project. Believe me: a creative mind (along with some YouTube videos) can do wonders!
Firepits are a great addition to a backyard, if you have one, and it is not that hard to build either.
My girls and I enjoy hanging out by the fire. We tell stories and jokes, make smores, and most importantly we get to spend time with each other, we get to bond… No cellphones allowed!
And you know what? In addition to making smores, I also realized that it is a great paper incinerator and can finally get rid of all that old paper in my garage (with their non complaintive help!) that I don’t want to waste time shredding. Hey… win-win-win situation. I’ll take it.
But, now seriously, we all have creative minds but we are often stuck in our load of obligations and we don’t realize the gifts we have. So, if you can, put your creativity to work. You will be amazed by how much you can do and how accomplished it will make you feel!
